My girlfriend figured out who you are.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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