our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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