I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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