my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
