Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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