at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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