She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
