so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
