i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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