You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
