2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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