Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I stole a fireplace last night.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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