what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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