Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
