either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
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My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
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I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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