you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
