Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
