highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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