I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
