Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
porn star boner night. come get it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
