You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
