you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
