When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
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When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
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Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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