I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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