dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
