He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
