That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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