i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
