I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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