Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
