u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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