I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
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I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
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We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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