I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Can you bring me the toilet please
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
