Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
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you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
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i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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