i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
