The maid of honor just puked.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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