so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I party with great urgency now.
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