You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
