winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
