Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
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Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
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Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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