is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
