So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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