From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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