This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
