Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
