you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
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