Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I stole a fireplace last night.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
