You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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