she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
