Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
