it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Randomize