I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
