If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
