Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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