saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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