why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
