I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
