i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
